What Real Men do
by Dancing Mask
Summary: Shikamaru and Kakashi wonder together about Sasuke and Naruto's love life. Be warned, no small amount of yaoi bashing inside.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, it's characters, or any yaoi myself.**

Shikamaru laid idly in Kakashi's arms, eyes closed in thought. Kakashi was smiling fondly at him, somehow, through the mask, and no explanation was offered as to where they were. I'd assume it was inside one of their homes, to prevent public outcry when other people saw blatant gay paedophilia, but this was different somehow- it was sweet, romantic, and not in the least creepy, so it could have been anywhere.

The shadow-stealing shinobi opened one eye, addressing his senior ninja.

"Kakashi . . . ," he began.

"Please . . . call me by my first name." Kakashi spoke softly.

"Hata-kun . . . what do you think of Sasuke?"

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"You spend all of your time training him lately, even when I'm free," accused Shikamaru bluntly, which was somewhat out of character.

"Put those thoughts out of your head. It's nothing like that." Kakashi spoke flatly, before rolling back into his bed, taking Shikamaru with him. Considering there's a bed, you should picture a bedroom right about now. I'd explain it, but these kinds of stories don't usually need descriptions, or settings, so lets just keep going.

"Besides," he spoke casually. "He's got Naruto."

"True . . . I wonder if they're happy . . . ," mused Shikamaru. Knowing that Shikamaru had long held a flame for the Uchiha boy, Kakashi decided to put an end to those thoughts once and for all.

"I think you'll find that those two have nothing like we do." His tone brooked no argument.

"How can you be so sure?" The more experienced shinobi laughed gently at this.

"Well, we're kind of the exception . . . a lot of male-only relationships in the village, or 'yaoi couples' if you must, enjoy things men enjoy."

"What are you implying?" Shikamaru's eyes narrowed.

"Well, how often does a regular guy asked for cuddling, or to hold hands, or anything romantic?" Shikamaru thought on this for a second.

"Generally, I think you'll find that couples such as us are actually enjoying things girls are known for liking. The vast majority of yaoi pairings are actually the opposite, despite what you'd hope."

"Such as what?" Shikamaru leaned forward, still new to these kinds of things.

"Well, what we call 'tender love-making' is more likely for Sasuke and Naruto to be 'raw, animalistic fucking'." Shikamaru felt his cheeks redden with the description, as his shock at hearing Kakashi swear hit him.

"Thighs pumping furiously, with little attention paid to anything such as lighting, mood, or the other partners wishes, I don't think you'd enjoy it." Kakashi spoke serenely, hoping to impress upon his _uke_ what standard men did.

"How could you ignore your partner?" He still didn't get it? Well, here goes . . .

"I doubt they talk at all, for starters. From what I've observed, Sasuke most likely disappears from Naruto's life until he feels horny again, showing up at Naruto's doorstop whenever _he_ feels like it. And I meant that literally- it's always at Naruto's house; you can bet money on that.

"Chances are, typical men like them simply fall asleep after sex, with no cuddles for a 'good morning' either. You'd most likely be woken by Naruto farting and stomping over to the bathroom.

"The thing to remember is, you don't have to like someone to like the sex. Unfortunately, a lot of men think just like that, and can happily ignore each other, or be with someone else, with no qualms or deep feelings involved.

Shikamaru covered his ears with his hands, conveying his unhappiness to Kakashi without saying a word. Y'know, because they were _that close_.

"But . . . I've read stories on the internet . . . I thought guys never did those sorts of things toegther?"

"It's okay, you're young. The thing about these stories is, they are written by girls. Often, they're expressing what those girls like, through a story."

"Why have two guys together then?"

"Well, they might feel weird if they have to write about another girl receiving attention. Plus, they can find both parties attractive and dreamy, and boost their ratings, if they make both members of the couple male. Of course, they could just be emotionally messed up, or into watching those kinds of things." Kakashi explained.

"So . . . real guy couples don't act snugly, or shy and bittersweet like we do?" Shikamaru whispered, his hands taking hold of Kakashi's gently.

"Do you wish . . . we were more like those others?" His hands entwined Kakashi's at this point, their faces close.

"Of course not. That's why we're special." Kakashi murmured. He'd done it; Shikamaru was his forever. As they embraced, Kakashi thought it best to add one last comment, 'lest the boy rethink things one step further.

"Oh, and girls can be even worse to date."

"Like what?"

"They're lying about the G-spot, for example. Trust me; I've searched for it many, many times with my Sharingan, and it definitely doesn't exist."

**A/N: This idea just occurred to me, and started as a rant on yaoi in general. This is just meant as a joke, please don't take it too seriously, etc. Thoughts or reviews would be great, though.**


End file.
